6 years

  January 6th will always stand out to me because on this date I lost my best friend to Cystic Fibrosis.  This past sunday night I was unable to fall asleep and I started thinking about what was transpiring at this time 6 years ago.  I had a baby who was newly one year old who was my whole life.  She was a huge part of Jackie's too.  Jackie was the type of friend who would just come over during the week to hang out.  We didn't have to entertain her or play host, she just naturally fit into the rhythm of our family.  She started to get much sicker in the fall and through the holidays.  Over Christmas, I also got really sick and wasn't able to see her as much because of risk of exposure.  Looking back, I know my sickness was from the stress of my best friend in and out of the hospital, along with caring for little Hannah.

 

  I haven't thought through all of this in a long while or maybe never at all, but as I lie in bed on sunday I began to process it again.  For some reason I was either denying the inevitable or completely blinded to it, but I didn't realize this was the end for her.  I look back now and can't believe I didn't realize it was coming.  I've been thinking about this a lot the past two days.  If I had known then what I know now, then I would have done some things different.  I don't have a lot of regret or guilt surrounding this, and Jackie certainly would be the first to tell me to stop, but I am feeling more like I wish I would have realized.

 

  I actually don't have a conclusion to this as I think grief is like that.  You process some, and then when you're ready, you process some more.  I don't believe it will ever stop because I will never stop grieving her loss.  I will tell you that when someone listens or otherwise shows that they know you're sad about your friend, it means a lot.

 

  So thanks for listening/reading along.  It's helpful for me to continue to have my friend live on, as well as for me to process some more.

 

  On a happy note, which Jackie was the embodiment of all things happy, she was the inventor of YOLO, before it was YOLO.  If she was alive today, she would be telling everyone how that was her motto first, and I would probably be sick of her telling everyone that.  :)  But it certainly was her motto, and seeing her live that was and is still inspiring to me today.  You did YOLO right, Jack.